Ghost Hunting Absurdities: Paranormal Lapses in Logic

The Christian Demonologist must navigate chill waters in canyons of the unknown.  Proficiency arrives only from scripture, and higher powers of vindication, and apologia.  There are assists—one support is the scientific method whereby a hypothesis is reconnoitered into what is hopefully an observable, sane conclusion.  Anomalistic psychology, parapsychology, medicine—all disciplines that can clarify events that are otherwise indescribable.  There are no tomes with titles like Demons for Dummies—however this does bring us to the paranormal community, and the Poseidon-like capsizing of that boat back there in the unknown canyon.  If spiritual warfare is primed by the gospel, and cognizant of physical science, contemporary ghost hunting—the thick, cracked cranium of nineteenth century spiritualism--is au courant with the latest superstitions up to, and including table tipping, and having some non-denominational shaman smudge with sage while reciting Frankenstein’s rendition of the Prayer of the Archangel Michael.  At their best, paranormal investigations are not at their best.  Below are three examples to illustrate the ineffectiveness, and the cartoon absurdity of the paranormal methodology. 

Ghost Hunting in the Dark: This tactic appears to make sense only to the Class of 2004, fetch nouveau riche.  The FBI of the undead.  The other 99.9 % of the population with an interest in the preternatural sees no practical use whatsoever for turning out the lights and will in fact state a preference for examining the situation in the less cluttered, less distracting morning hours.  This would seem to place the investigator at a disadvantage—particularly if demonic infestation is a factor which so often seems to be the premature conclusion of these ghost teams, but there they are, staggering around in the murk using the latest night vision, and even full spectrum cameras.  Vulnerable, and tripping over furniture, and stumbling down steps.  Setting up an Xbox Kinect sensor grid map in an attempt to create a viable outline of “IT;” an effort that skeptic Kenny Biddle has refuted as a random collection of data from a device that is being used inappropriately.  The paranormal community has been held aloft for ridicule for their doubling down on this “lights out” tradition and defend their competence by insisting that it makes the apparitions easier to see.  This practice is probably the worst of the five because it impedes the senses, and compromises the researcher psychologically; how can a person be more perceptive in the darkness than they are in the light? 

Presuming any Encounter to be Benevolent: After a fashion, this is not unlike saying ‘I shot an elephant in my pajamas, but how he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.’  On the one hand, most busters can, and will make an idiotic postulation that there is grave, diabolical activity at work.  This can trigger a pagan ceremony like the one mentioned earlier.  However, if there is some attempt to contact the netherworld…using EVP, or some form of Instrumental Trans communication like an Ovilus-the results are invariably positive.  Pleasant.  Hence the axiom if you want Casper the friendly ghost then commits sinful acts of divination.  The latter sounds deranged, and looney, but that is the default position of the greater paranormal community.  Most of these investigations blissfully round can Socrates and disavow belief in ignorance as the beginning of wisdom.  Individuals will sit around the latest mass market Frank’s Box, or a row of mini–Mag Lights, or even a Ouija Board chatting it up with some nameless, faceless, morally ambiguous, discorporate entity.  One need not ordinate the likes of Ronald Reagan to know that there is merit to trust but verify.  This philosophy is even more cracked, and maddening when considering that these same spirit seekers are quick to allude to savants like Stephen Hawking, and Albert Einstein, but in practice it’s all broken windows, and black cats under the ladder. 

The Refusal to Debunk Events that Occur During an Investigation: The reputable Beardo has gone far on his YouTube channel Beardo Gets Scared to reveal the depths of dislike they have for the truth.  The word ‘investigation’ is non sequitur.  These excursions into presumably engulfed localities like the Stanley Hotel in Colorado, and Bachelor’s Grove Cemetery in Chicago are exercises in confirmation bias, or as pastoral counselors deem it, preternatural bias.  In many ways, this is the Age of Pseudoscience.  The Epoch of Barnum & Bailey.  The G-Forces from winding, inverted roller coasters take precedence over the statistics, and publications like Scientific American, and their $15,000 challenge for conclusive, tangible evidence of the existence of phantoms is scarce.  The lay investigator is committed to honesty in forensics, not the paranormal community.  To the contrary--count the number of times someone will really ascend to the attic with a flashlight to locate that raccoon.  Beyond wildlife problems, there just aren’t that many players who are self-effacing enough to get up and check out the noise that ice maker is causing in the kitchen, and the circumferential noises on digital recorders are frequently attributed to the uncanny, but hyperactive team members not so much.  According to skeptic Benjamin Radford, adherents will spend thousands of dollars on specifically unreliable, misused instruments like Geiger Counters, and gold beryllium microphones, and the latest costermonger from Steve Huff—only to affirm their belief in the occult.  Anything that might detract from that mission is rapidly disposed of by any means necessary including psychics, and trance mediums.  This viewpoint makes up for in mauve wig cringe what it lacks in principles. 

Tracy Garnett holds a BA in English, with a minor in Radio & Television from Northern Kentucky University. He also holds certification in Parapsychology from the Koestler Unit at the University of Edinburgh, Scotland, and is a trained Lay Demonologist with the Fraternity of Christ the King.